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goddess of solitude

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Ophelia was a tempest, cyclone [26 Aug 2014|11:12pm]
Poring over these old journal entries, as I sit on my comfortably worn couch in the living room of the tiny apartment I share with my fiancé and our two small dogs, I can't help but be astounded at how much my life has changed in the past three years. I have matured so much since I started my livejournal--I have lived so much. I had almost forgotten how deep the crazy ran there for a while (you guys should see the private entries). It's not that I am no longer neurotic, trust me. The crazy is still there, but I have become a lot more adept at coping with stress. I have learned to be somewhat more secure and content with who I am inside. It's kind of hard to appreciate all of this, without being able to look back every once in a while to see how far I have come. So thanks, livejournal. And Praise God for the blessings in my life.
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[19 Aug 2011|12:29am]
It is amazing how fast I went from truly happy in my life and okay with who I am to completely lost and empty and scared. Thanks a lot, perfect storm of bullshit that entered my life. Thanks a lot, AA sponsor who told me everything that was wrong with me in a small room with no windows for eight hours. Thanks a lot, going off adipex after two years of being on it. Thanks a lot, people in my life who said just the right thing at just the right time to break down my self-worth. Thanks a lot, God, for letting this happen to me. Maybe it's all for a reason. Maybe I just need to hang in there. Maybe I just need to man up and adapt to survive. Whatever the case may be, I need to stop this cycle of self-loathing. I am the only one who can take care of me, and I know how. And I had better start fucking doing it. No, it won't be easy. But yes, it will be worth it, and maybe in time, I can even have some joy again.
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[18 Aug 2011|02:47am]
I don't know when it ended, but it's over.
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[06 Aug 2011|01:53am]
I love Sharon Haley.
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[06 Aug 2011|01:44am]
It's time to wake up.
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[06 Aug 2011|01:39am]
It's not possible to turn back time. Sometimes I wish I could more than anything. But, it does no good. It does only harm. I need to learn to live in this moment. To appreciate the good in this moment, because it's there. Inside my head can be a crazy, scary place. I have to fight for myself, for my sanity. And I will. I am going to fight.
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[30 Oct 2010|01:01am]
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visiting my hometown [04 Jan 2010|04:20pm]

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[08 Nov 2009|11:57am]
Greg. You never felt for me half of what I felt for you. And why? Because you're not crazy? Perhaps.
Dane. I have loved you and will continue to love you dearly. You are my family, you are my guiding light.
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[08 Nov 2009|11:55am]
I'm ready for this to be over. I'm ready to be a grown up. I am ready to stop crying and start accepting. Life is a fucking mess and things don't always work out for the best. But that's what is in front of me, and that's what I've got to accept so I can move on. I am only sorry for any pain or hurt or disappointment I've caused. The rest of it had to happen. Life is bullshit.
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[08 Nov 2009|11:47am]
When man
enters woman,
like the surf biting the shore,
again and again,
and the woman opens her mouth in pleasure
and her teeth gleam
like the alphabet,
Logos appears milking a star,
and the man
inside of woman
ties a knot
so that they will
never again be separate
and the woman
climbs into a flower
and swallows its stem
and Logos appears
and unleashed their rivers.
This man,
this woman
with their double hunger,
have tried to reach through
the curtain of God
and briefly they have,
though God
in His perversity
unties the knot.
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water leaking from my dasani bottle onto the loveseat= apocalypse [11 Aug 2009|06:47pm]
I would have thought that after my dad died I would never again be forced to cower in my room. You don't understand how we can be so clumsy, you're pissed off half the time, we're not to go near your area ever again. You are a miserable bitch. It was just fucking water. Accidents happen. I have no idea how Matt can stand you.
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I need help. [30 Jul 2009|01:07am]
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[30 Jul 2009|12:55am]
Why am I not as good as she is? Why don't I deserve love? Why don't I deserve happiness? Why is this life so god damned unfair? So because I didn't get enough love in my childhood and I was made to feel inferior and inadequate everyday of my life, I now am inferior and inadequate and nobody will ever love me? Jesus Christ, that's not fair.
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[07 Jul 2009|03:24am]
Jennifer Schuley: I wanted to get to know you but the timing is fucked up I thought I could help you get over your ex, but even when you are over her you will need time to heal on your own. and I know that you do not need help from me because you have close friends who have been there for you. I know that this has more to do with you than me because you are in too vulnerable a position to give of yourself or get to know someone on a romantic level You are comfortable however accepting whatever validation I can give you by saying I like your sex or by being hung up on you
Heather Gonya: ok, hang on while I read
Jennifer Schuley: and he said "whatever."
Jennifer Schuley: And I said, "Am I not right? I am not sayng that makes you a bad guy because it doesn't it just makes you human, and I have been all for this arrangement in the past but not as much now."
Heather Gonya: whatever? He's a real Shakespeare aint he?
Jennifer Schuley: and he said, "ugh I gotta go, ttyl."
Heather Gonya: He is a LOSER
Heather Gonya: and he's superficial
Heather Gonya: some guys cant handle when shit gets real
Heather Gonya: and you are real
Heather Gonya: even when you are confused or uncertain
Heather Gonya: you are real
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[17 Jun 2009|05:07am]
Nothing should matter more to me than my own well-being. Nobody should have better answers for me than I have for myself. I need to meditate on this.

You're a great guy, but I'm just as great a girl. I deserve happiness just as much as you do. And I shouldn't settle for less than what I deserve. I have to fight my urges to be desperate and clingy. Even though it will be hard, I am much better off standing alone on my own two feet than jumping on your back and asking you to carry me.
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[16 Jun 2009|08:12am]
Well, it isn't very deep, but I had a good time last night, nonetheless.
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first attempt at meditation [02 Jun 2009|10:47am]
thoughts that came up:

fear of performing poorly in new social situations--misplaced fear.. we are all just people

love and appreciation to those in my life

no judgment on myself for the fear

fear of not being good enough

I'm just a person, like anybody else, and we're all the same.

we all have the same needs.

I have to relax and trust myself.
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[25 May 2009|05:16am]
So the idea is to "get mine" without consideration for your feelings. Because you're not considering mine.
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Praise God. [24 May 2009|08:31am]
All is right with the world.
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