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[08 Nov 2009|11:57am] |
Greg. You never felt for me half of what I felt for you. And why? Because you're not crazy? Perhaps.
Dane. I have loved you and will continue to love you dearly. You are my family, you are my guiding light.
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[08 Nov 2009|11:55am] |
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I'm ready for this to be over. I'm ready to be a grown up. I am ready to stop crying and start accepting. Life is a fucking mess and things don't always work out for the best. But that's what is in front of me, and that's what I've got to accept so I can move on. I am only sorry for any pain or hurt or disappointment I've caused. The rest of it had to happen. Life is bullshit.
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[08 Nov 2009|11:47am] |
When man
enters woman,
like the surf biting the shore,
again and again,
and the woman opens her mouth in pleasure
and her teeth gleam
like the alphabet,
Logos appears milking a star,
and the man
inside of woman
ties a knot
so that they will
never again be separate
and the woman
climbs into a flower
and swallows its stem
and Logos appears
and unleashed their rivers.
This man,
this woman
with their double hunger,
have tried to reach through
the curtain of God
and briefly they have,
though God
in His perversity
unties the knot.
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| water leaking from my dasani bottle onto the loveseat= apocalypse |
[11 Aug 2009|06:47pm] |
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I would have thought that after my dad died I would never again be forced to cower in my room. You don't understand how we can be so clumsy, you're pissed off half the time, we're not to go near your area ever again. You are a miserable bitch. It was just fucking water. Accidents happen. I have no idea how Matt can stand you.
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[30 Jul 2009|12:55am] |
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Why am I not as good as she is? Why don't I deserve love? Why don't I deserve happiness? Why is this life so god damned unfair? So because I didn't get enough love in my childhood and I was made to feel inferior and inadequate everyday of my life, I now am inferior and inadequate and nobody will ever love me? Jesus Christ, that's not fair.
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[07 Jul 2009|03:24am] |
Jennifer Schuley: I wanted to get to know you but the timing is fucked up I thought I could help you get over your ex, but even when you are over her you will need time to heal on your own. and I know that you do not need help from me because you have close friends who have been there for you. I know that this has more to do with you than me because you are in too vulnerable a position to give of yourself or get to know someone on a romantic level You are comfortable however accepting whatever validation I can give you by saying I like your sex or by being hung up on you
Heather Gonya: ok, hang on while I read
Jennifer Schuley: and he said "whatever."
Jennifer Schuley: And I said, "Am I not right? I am not sayng that makes you a bad guy because it doesn't it just makes you human, and I have been all for this arrangement in the past but not as much now."
Heather Gonya: whatever? He's a real Shakespeare aint he?
Jennifer Schuley: and he said, "ugh I gotta go, ttyl."
Heather Gonya: He is a LOSER
Heather Gonya: and he's superficial
Heather Gonya: some guys cant handle when shit gets real
Heather Gonya: and you are real
Heather Gonya: even when you are confused or uncertain
Heather Gonya: you are real
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[17 Jun 2009|05:07am] |
Nothing should matter more to me than my own well-being. Nobody should have better answers for me than I have for myself. I need to meditate on this.
You're a great guy, but I'm just as great a girl. I deserve happiness just as much as you do. And I shouldn't settle for less than what I deserve. I have to fight my urges to be desperate and clingy. Even though it will be hard, I am much better off standing alone on my own two feet than jumping on your back and asking you to carry me.
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[16 Jun 2009|08:12am] |
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Well, it isn't very deep, but I had a good time last night, nonetheless.
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| first attempt at meditation |
[02 Jun 2009|10:47am] |
thoughts that came up:
fear of performing poorly in new social situations--misplaced fear.. we are all just people
love and appreciation to those in my life
no judgment on myself for the fear
fear of not being good enough
I'm just a person, like anybody else, and we're all the same.
we all have the same needs.
I have to relax and trust myself.
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[25 May 2009|05:16am] |
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So the idea is to "get mine" without consideration for your feelings. Because you're not considering mine.
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| Praise God. |
[24 May 2009|08:31am] |
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All is right with the world.
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[23 May 2009|04:52am] |
I had a really strange nightmare yesterday.
I was sitting on my bed in my room in the dark talking to an unidentified woman--I don't know who she was but she was supposed to be a friend--and I saw a terribly strange black bird in the tree outside my window. The bird was large with black fur instead of feathers, it had a long black beak, and striking blue eyes. It looked like it belonged in some exotic rainforest. I said to the woman, "Look at that bird." She leaned over to look, but her view was obstructed by the curtains on my window, and as she leaned closer and closer the bird seemed to disappear. Then, I saw it again, it was inside my bedroom hiding in the curtains. Well, this terrified me. I pointed at it, and shouted, "Do you see it?!" She said, "No, what are you talking about?"
Then it flew toward me and landed on my shoulder. Then it immediately stretched its neck downward and pinched my breast with its beak, came back up, and spoke to me saying, "You know who I am, it's me."
At this point, I woke up with a start and jumped out of bed to turn the light on.
Does anybody have any ideas what this dream could mean?
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| I'm like Kate Winslet in The Reader for some intellectual conversation.. |
[23 May 2009|04:18am] |
So I hung out with this guy tonight, that I'd hung out with once before. I knew full well going into it that he wanted nothing more than to get his cock sucked. Still, I went for a walk with him on the riverwalk. We held hands as we entered at the wooded part of the trail. For a few moments it was so dark we could barely see the trail in front of us. The sounds of the forest at night and the flowing water of the nearby river orchestrated our journey. It was at once exciting and relaxing. We talked about our lives, why neither of us finished college--interestingly we got the same score on the SAT. He started at Purdue, an engineering student, but the calculus became too much for him. We talked about my dream of re-opening the chipped ice stand on the riverwalk that has been closed for years.. He told me about the overhead I hadn't anticipated--liability insurance etc. We talked about the decline of the United States as a world power. We talked about politics, he didn't vote as he didn't feel our vote counts--Michigan and Florida in the last election, and Al Gore in the 2000 election. I was very impressed with him. After walking almost two miles, we sat on a bench near the river and he put his arm around me and began to rub my back. I leaned in and kissed him, we began to make out and caress each other. He fingered me briefly and I gave him the blow job he wanted.
That's how the story ends.
He got the blow job he wanted, took me home, and left.
How do I feel? Empty. Alone. Longing.
Why do I do this to myself? Casual sex is so very shallow.
If only my father had loved me.
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[16 May 2009|03:24am] |
I've always been good at waiting. Waiting comes naturally to me. I wait for the pills to kick in, I wait for the silverware to soak, I wait for the rain to wash the bird shit of my windshield, I wait for my unemployment check in the mail, I wait for the phone to ring, I wait for my chance to be the strong one, I wait for my day in the sun, I wait for my big breakthrough--I sit quietly waiting for my turn to live. Or am I just waiting to die, deluding myself the whole time into believing something great is going to happen for me any day now?
When I was a child I just knew I was destined for greatness. I was going to show anyone who ever doubted me. I had it in me. And what did I think was going to happen? Like some unstoppable force, I was just going to triumphantly erupt one day with brilliance and power? What the fuck?
Nothing happens while you wait on the sidelines except waiting on the sidelines.
The first time I rode a roller coaster, I was so scared that I clenched my eyes shut tight and held on for dear life and no matter how many twists and turns we took, I never opened my eyes or loosened my grip. I was terrified. Had I just opened my eyes, thrown my arms up, and shouted excitedly like everyone else, I might have enjoyed it. But I didn't. This is my life.
I am scared to get off the bench, so I create delusions disguised as dreams and aspirations, and as long as I have those fantasies, it's okay for me to stay on the bench for now.
But it's not okay. How many times does something have to be presented directly before me until I get it? I have these realizations all the time, and I just put them away, store for later. This is fucking it. This moment right here. This is fucking it, there is no later.
So I have paralyzing fear. What the fuck else is new?
If I fall down a thousand times, it will be worth it every time because at least I was off the bench. Fuck the bench. I have to pick up my fear-ridden ass and try, or I will die in this god forsaken state of arrested development. This can't be my life anymore.
It's so easy to stick my head back in the sand, in our culture of diversion escapism comes so easily. I can go read dlisted.com and laugh at the expense of people I don't even know. I can go back in the apartment and watch Superbad on Starz. I can go reach for a bottle and drown myself in vodka.
I don't want to do that anymore. Jesus Christ.
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[11 May 2009|03:54am] |
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It's not fair.
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| Observing and Reporting |
[24 Apr 2009|04:12am] |
Today was my birthday, and I have to say that despite a few bumps in the road I had a really good time. My dear friend went out of his way to make sure I had a good day, we drove sixty miles from home to eat at my favorite restaurant and we saw a movie that I have been dying to see since it came out. Additionally, he is buying me an ipod of my choosing. It may not seem like much, but it is more than anyone usually does for me on my birthday and I really felt special today. It was far better than my birthday last year, which I spent in a funeral home clasping the cold dead hand of my father.
I truly feel that I am moving toward a more positive place in my life, and though there are emotional issues that I have to deal with along the way, I know things are gradually improving. Although I'm not where I want to be in life, like at all, I still have real hope for the future. I feel myself growing and adapting into a happier person, and I am trying hard to live my life as open-mindedly and as lovingly as I can. Despite the fact that I haven't achieved the success I had hoped to have at this point in my life, I honestly feel that at least the company here is good. My friends and roommates are truly awesome people and I am unbelievably fortunate to have them in my life.
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| Narcissism |
[18 Apr 2009|11:52pm] |
view off our porch after the last snow
kitchen table
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[18 Apr 2009|02:13am] |
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Okay, so I never post anymore, but I still read my friends page, so I'm curious what do you guys think of twitter? I'm going to be turning twenty-fucking-five this month--so I guess I'm kind of old, but I just really, seriously am not that on board.
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| Lower me in there |
[18 Apr 2009|02:07am] |
I'm trying to find Jewel sing "I'm sensitive, and I'd like to stay that way," but I can't seem to find it anywhere. Still, I'm pretty fucking happy right now.
Love to all my livejournal acquaintances,
Jennifer "I'm on adipex (lost 30 lbs) trying to lose weight, so I'm pretty euphoric" Schuley
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